He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
