I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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