So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
