in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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