I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
