We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
