Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
