Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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