Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
