i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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