I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So many bounce houses so little time
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
