woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
