FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Randomize
