We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
