I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
