i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
