I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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