So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
