who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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