So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
