So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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