I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Don't EVER smell your tampon
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
