remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
