just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
