And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
