non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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