Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
