I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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