I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
