I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
