i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
