Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
