I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
