i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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