I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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