i barfeds in our rink
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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