Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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