I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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