I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
