I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
