ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
