It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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