just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
