Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
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Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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