i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
