the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
