Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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