Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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