I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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