i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
