When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
