We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
