I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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