every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
