it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
