tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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