what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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