Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
