it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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