I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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