And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
