My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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