Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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